Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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