I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
