I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
