He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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