put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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