Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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