did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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