apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
