The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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