how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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