you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
