dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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