Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
