I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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