Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
