my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
