I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
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Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
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He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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