i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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