also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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