My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
