forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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