I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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