Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
