I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
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I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
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So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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