walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
