Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
