I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
