Who wears a wallet chain?!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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