I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
There's always time for handjobs
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
