Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
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underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
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So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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