i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
