dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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