yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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