There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
