just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Two words: nipple clamps
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