i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
