Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
