my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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