yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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