Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
There's always time for handjobs
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
