Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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