And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
