Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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