I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
