My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
