I need to stop coming to work sober
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
