Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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