now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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