She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
