I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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