get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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