How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
