Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
