just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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