i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
