Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
