Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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