Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
