He uses pillows to masturbate.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize