the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
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