I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
